Air Mauritius

I would rather hitch a ride with Icarus himself than spend another moment on Air Mauritius.

I will accept that the safety record of Air Mauritius is slightly better than the 100% fatality rate of Icarus Air but even with this trivial fact in mind I would prefer to fly on wings of wax then subject myself to the relentless psychological torture employed by the marketing team for Mauritius.

“Safety is important. You should pay attention to our safety video. Our safety video shows you how to make this a safe flight. For safety you should fasten your seat belt. Sudden decompression is bad. You should breathe though the mask if this happens. This is why we won’t let you sleep on the floor. Sudden decompression is bad.”

(The volume on the in-flight PA system rises to compensate for the engine noise)

“We have created a safety video for you to watch. This is not medical advice. We used doctors and lawyers to create this video. Now we will show you how to give yourself a twenty minute massage; start with your shoulders…”

Twenty minutes later my neighbour had placed his ripe nylon socks back on the floor and the communal massage had ended.

“Mauritius is a great place for a vacation. We have created a twenty minute promotional video to tell you all about Mauritius.”

I asked the flight attendant, “We are all leaving Mauritius. Why are we watching a video on having a vacation in Mauritius?”

I was helpfully told, “We show the same video to the people going to Mauritius.”

“But if all the people on the plane are already going to Mauritius why show them a video telling them to go?”

This last question was not well received and earned me a scowl, “We will be showing you a landing video shortly.”

“What if you just turned off the sound and let people who where interested listen on head phones?”

With on sense of irony I was told, “Then people would not listen.”

Mauritius

The Indian Ocean generously supports a small island chain known to the outside world as Mauritius. Once home of the extinct Dodo bird, Mauritius now plays home to French tourists and travellers delayed on their way to Madagascar. For all of its beaches, sun and surf Mauritius is gripped by a plague worse than the Black Death or Small Pox.

The locals appear to be protected by a natural immunity and thankfully I appear not to have been infected though the same cannot be said of the numerous French tourists on vacation. The symptoms of this disease are as pitiful as they are repulsive.

Massive abdominal bloating is coupled with a dire skin condition. The skin first turns an iridescent white. Victims often lay in the sun seeking relief only to have their skin first exude a clear sticky film. Later the dermis turns a bright pink causing considerable pain. It is at about this point that the psychotropic symptoms of the disease manifest themselves.

Victims disrobe further and begin walking aimlessly along the water. Often they are encountered wearing no more than the smallest G-string underwear. Their delusional state continues to evolve through the evening, reaching a point of such confusion that some individuals acquire the belief that they are musicians or even singers. Standing in front of a room they belt out horrifyingly poor renditions of popular songs.

Though Suzanne and I fled this island for fear of catching this illness I remain concerned for Suzanne’s health. As we walked down the street yesterday Suzanne began to sing.

The world is a mysterious place governed by the laws of nature. The world is conspicuously not governed by the laws of good taste, aesthetics or even common sense.

Africa and The Bush

Africa and The Bush

Six weeks in the African bush and I do not have a single story to tell. This is not because of a lack of story-worthy experiences but because I do not know where to start. Fortunately I did manage to learn a few things along the way.

1. Pound for pound, the tsetse fly is by far the most aggressive and feared predator in the bush. With its menacing proboscis and unrelenting blood lust this relatively small fly is a painful menace. For completely inexplicable reasons this fly has a particular attraction to the color blue.
2. The male vervet monkey is the single more unfortunate creature in existence. The male vervet monkey has blue testicles.
3. If a crocodile has a hold of your arm, your best bet is to ram it further down its throat to open the flap of skin it uses to keep water from flowing into its stomach. This might convince it to let go.
4. If a bull elephant is charging you, your best defence is to stand your ground. The elephant may be so confused by your audacity that it will probably stop the charge before running you over.
5. Lions regard you as a mighty predator to which they are well advised to defer. Don’t prove them wrong by running away. Only a meal would run away.
6. The female spotted hyena has a clitoris the size of the male’s penis.
7. The insect known as the ant lion excretes no food waste for over two years.
8. The male hippo scatters its dung with its tail so the that Creator can see that it has not been eating fish.
9. Pregnant woman have been known to eat the dirt from termite mounds. All our guides were male and could not even begin to explain why this was done though several had seen their sisters enjoy this ‘traditional chocolate.’
10. Wearing camouflage in the bush is dangerous. You might be mistaken for the military and get yourself shot.
11. Drinking hot tea in the middle of the day’s heat is traditional. The stupidity of this idea can only be explained by its British origins.
12. Don’t leave your toothpaste out; the monkeys will eat it.
13. You can chase anything off an airstrip but an elephant. If there is an elephant on the airstrip there is nothing to do but wait.
14. Chimpanzees, our closest relative, engage in clan-based genocide.
15. Chimpanzees will carry the bodies of their dead babies around for months. It is heart-wrenching to see.
16. You are old enough to go to school if you can wrap your right arm around your head and touch your left ear.
17. Americans drink gin and tonic only when they are in Africa. The British in Africa find this very amusing.
18. The fabric or your tent will keep the lions from eating your at night. (My proof for this is that I am alive.)
19. A marching column of thirty thousand wildebeests is an awesome sight. Even more awesome is losing them in the vast expanse of the Serengeti.