Well shit...

Sometimes it is only once a week or even once every ten days, sometimes it is five times or more a day and only rarely is it each morning between getting up and having a shower. It is the topic of casual conversations with near strangers and sometimes it is the all-consuming focus of my attention to the exclusion of a gorgeous sunset, the location of my passport and the fact that the world exists beyond my bowels.

This is a brief dissertation on shit in Ladakh. Knowledge, of course, cannot be given back and if you wish to know nothing of toilets in Ladakh, including their design, use function, mishaps and misadventures then you should turn your attention elsewhere. You should close your eyes and rely on an idealized version of travel that does not include the hard truths of life beyond a porcelain throne, central plumbing, and discretely placed cans of air freshener.  

Ladakh is a land of rock and dust with the occasional tree planted in the hope it might one day find a useful structural location after its death. Little of use is wasted, and ceremony is left to the useful areas of Buddha, karma and kindness.  Toilets are built of mud bricks stacked one on top of the other until a two story shitter rises above the bedrock and barely arable land. Each of these stories has its own entrance where the first is accessed though a small wooden door at ground level and the second is found at the top of well worn steps. I have no idea what the Ladakhi call these different doors; indeed I have no idea if they even bother to give them separate names. As a way to embrace my ignorance I have chosen to call the bottom door “Very Wrong Door” and the top or second story door “Not So Wrong Door.”

Like so may things in the world, shit travels with gravity and in the case of a Ladakhi toilet shit travels from the second floor, where it is deposited, to the first floor where it is stored for later use. Thus in the middle of the night when the fist of a titan squeezes your guts it is important to remember this fact and run up the steps to the second floor. Do not go blundering blindly into the “Very Wrong Door”.

Choosing the correct door is not the only challenge to be faced. Remember that these building are made by hand with mud bricks and building them is hard work. The taller the shitter the harder the work and thus I do not begrudge the Ladakhi insistence on low ceilings. I do however, wish I had a better memory and that I had never found myself wondering if the stars in the sky were born from my head slamming into a ceiling joist or from a distance supernova.

Once inside the toilet the fist thing to remember is: watch your step. In the middle of the floor is a shoebox shaped hole, place your feet on either side of it but don’t on any account place your foot in it. This hole is for your shit not your foot, and since it is also for everyone else’s shit as well nothing good could possibly come from such a mistake.

With one foot resting on either side of the hole the next step is to drop your pants to your ankles. I have never tried this process in a Ladaki winter nor do I relish the thought but it is worth remembering that the Ladakhi town of Drass holds the record as the coldest inhabited place on earth with temperatures see as low as -60°C.

For those born to the method of the squat/shit the next step is, presumably, no big deal. I however, was not born to this method and the act of keeping my balance, front to back and side to side without anything that might resemble a handhold is a desperate challenge. If you are in doubt on this last point just give it a try, put your feet shoulder width apart and bend your knees until your thighs rest against your calves. Remember not to use your hands and once your butt is a few inches from the floor remember to relax, you are going to be here for a little bit. Also remember to practice this a few times, you will inevitably need to ‘assume the position’ while in a desperate hurry.

Lastly when you are finished with your business stand up with caution. That low ceiling is still waiting to crash into your head and if you strike it you will undoubtedly lose your footing and slip into an awkwardly placed hole in the floor.