Africa and The Bush

Africa and The Bush

Six weeks in the African bush and I do not have a single story to tell. This is not because of a lack of story-worthy experiences but because I do not know where to start. Fortunately I did manage to learn a few things along the way.

1. Pound for pound, the tsetse fly is by far the most aggressive and feared predator in the bush. With its menacing proboscis and unrelenting blood lust this relatively small fly is a painful menace. For completely inexplicable reasons this fly has a particular attraction to the color blue.
2. The male vervet monkey is the single more unfortunate creature in existence. The male vervet monkey has blue testicles.
3. If a crocodile has a hold of your arm, your best bet is to ram it further down its throat to open the flap of skin it uses to keep water from flowing into its stomach. This might convince it to let go.
4. If a bull elephant is charging you, your best defence is to stand your ground. The elephant may be so confused by your audacity that it will probably stop the charge before running you over.
5. Lions regard you as a mighty predator to which they are well advised to defer. Don’t prove them wrong by running away. Only a meal would run away.
6. The female spotted hyena has a clitoris the size of the male’s penis.
7. The insect known as the ant lion excretes no food waste for over two years.
8. The male hippo scatters its dung with its tail so the that Creator can see that it has not been eating fish.
9. Pregnant woman have been known to eat the dirt from termite mounds. All our guides were male and could not even begin to explain why this was done though several had seen their sisters enjoy this ‘traditional chocolate.’
10. Wearing camouflage in the bush is dangerous. You might be mistaken for the military and get yourself shot.
11. Drinking hot tea in the middle of the day’s heat is traditional. The stupidity of this idea can only be explained by its British origins.
12. Don’t leave your toothpaste out; the monkeys will eat it.
13. You can chase anything off an airstrip but an elephant. If there is an elephant on the airstrip there is nothing to do but wait.
14. Chimpanzees, our closest relative, engage in clan-based genocide.
15. Chimpanzees will carry the bodies of their dead babies around for months. It is heart-wrenching to see.
16. You are old enough to go to school if you can wrap your right arm around your head and touch your left ear.
17. Americans drink gin and tonic only when they are in Africa. The British in Africa find this very amusing.
18. The fabric or your tent will keep the lions from eating your at night. (My proof for this is that I am alive.)
19. A marching column of thirty thousand wildebeests is an awesome sight. Even more awesome is losing them in the vast expanse of the Serengeti.