USA, Hawaii

After years of journeying through the wild and untamed lands of the American South and the ruthless backwaters of Detroit I decided to indulge in a proper vacation. I have now completed a safari to a remote collection of rocks in the approximate center of the Pacific Ocean. Though I am not an anthropologist or a biologist by training I cannot help but draw the comparison to the Galapagos Islands made famous around the world (except in Kansas) by Charles Darwin.

Both the native wildlife and the aboriginal inhabitants provided a stark and exciting contrast to my native Colorado. The people of this land are both primitive and uneducated, spending the majority of their time scantily clad on the beaches. I tried to penetrate their culture believing that if I could understand their language I might earn their trust. With that accomplished I could later exploit them for commercial gain. My success in this area was decidedly limited. What follows is the extent of my translation dictionary:

Haw-I-ee the local name for the island I was on

Haw-I-ee the name of the people I was studying

Haw-I-ee the local language

Haw-I-ee a reference to time that can be exceedingly imprecise

A-low-ha hello

A-low-ha goodbye

A-low-ha I want to sell you something

Though this dictionary may appear sparse and incomplete I am at pains to point out that the local dialect is exceedingly difficult to understand. Unlike most languages Haw-I-ee is composed almost exclusively of vowels that are repeated without pause and in a seemingly random order. Despite the inevitable communication problems I found the aboriginal inhabitants to be both welcoming and hospitable. Immediately upon my arrival I made friends and changed money into the local currency. (Curiously this currency was accepted nowhere on the island though it brought great joy to the locals both when I changed my money and again whenever I produced it there after.)

Though I enjoyed my time with the locals the wildlife proved the highlight of my trip. As with my dictionary I have attempted to catalogue the various new species I discovered on my journey.

Marital Bliss-ters: I am led to understand these creatures are not native to the islands but rather engage in a one-time migration for the principle purpose of courtship and copulation. They are most often seen on the beaches at sunset. The male of the species, bland in appearance, encourages the female to approach him by offering her a trinket, (often a ring of some type.) The females take on a more stunning appearance, looking like a cross between a cotton ball and a lemon meringue pie without the lemon or the pie. Once the ritual seduction has taken place and been properly documented by one of the many photographers, the fornication begins (though this is not generally on the beach and recorded for posterity.)

Snorkel Nosed Brainless White Whale: These enormous creatures can weigh in excess of 300 pounds and are either found waddling along the beach or floating face down in the shallow coastal waters. As the day progresses these creatures miraculously change color from an iridescent pasty white to pink or even the occasional fire red. This color change is usually accompanied by unintelligible groans and cries.

Aquatic Reef Bangers: These creatures are more advanced than other fauna in that they are tool users. The Reef Bangers are principally land mammals though they spend hours at a time floating in the surf while resting atop a log or large stick. When the right wave comes along the Reef Banger will combine the force of the wave with his own body weight to attack the off shore coral reefs. The reason for this behavior remains a mystery. I have decided to call this mysterious behavior ‘surfing.’

Bronzed Beach Snail: I found only the younger females of this species to be worthy of study. Throughout the day these animals do almost nothing beyond rolling from their backs to their fronts. Despite this apparent lack of activity these were the most fascinating creatures of all and I spent hours engaged in meticulous study of their form and appearance. Unlike the three-toed sloth of Australia, which also displays a stunning lack of activity, the Bronzed Beach Snail does not even need to forage for food. Instead of slowly ambling through the wilderness gathering bits of sustenance this creature simply raises one or the other of its arms and food comes to it. It is not surprising given this extreme lack of motion that as the Bronzed Beach Snail ages it grows to a gargantuan and repulsive size. I refuse to study this creature after it has undergone this metamorphosis though there is reason to speculate that it eventually becomes the Snorkel Nosed Brainless White Whale in much the same way that a caterpillar becomes a moth.