USA, Ohio

It would, of course, be wrong to journey to a foreign land with degrading preconceived notions founded on stereotypes, hearsay, and rumor. I have held the philosopher John Locke’s ideal of a ‘blank slate’ in mind when venturing into the armpit of America. For instance, prior to visiting Akron/Canton Ohio I did not place any stock in the notion that Ohio is a land with all the excitement of unsweetened vanilla ice cream, the romance of a used condom, and inhabited by troglodytes, trolls, ogres, and lice. I did not believe that an entire state could possible live up to this reputation, even if it were trying to.

This enlightened attitude allowed me to see Ohio without blinding preconceptions and instead permitted me to simply see the contraception. The city has built a massive monument to family planning, safe sex, and responsible polygamous behavior. The citizens of Ohio obviously do not believe that vast amounts of pasty white flesh alone are enough to lower the birth rate. Perched proudly by the freeway stands a perfect replica of the ‘Reservoir Tip.’ It is an architectural masterpiece; the last quarter inch of a condom has been cast in stone and held aloft for all to see and worship.

Yet this majestic monument is not without its mysteries, lost on the casual observer. The natives of this land of are loath to reveal this structure’s true name. Instead, to the outsider, they offer only pseudonyms, “Hall of Fame” or “Pro Football.” It is anyone’s guess how these terms came to be associated with this prophylactic shrine. Perhaps with suitable anthropological study of the primitive Ohio culture, its people and its monuments will be better understood.